Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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