it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
