The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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