the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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