Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
