i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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