My entire life is one complicated drinking game
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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