Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize