you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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