Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
