Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
