when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
