Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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