i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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