Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
