Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
