I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
