theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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