Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is Oprah even human
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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