My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
