there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
