I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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