There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
