no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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