Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize