I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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