whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
