did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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