I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
