Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
