OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
