those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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