I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
