Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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