im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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