how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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