im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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