Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
