Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
