We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
