Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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