Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
