you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
