you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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