So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
