Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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