I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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