hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
