i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
FUCK WHALES
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
