don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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