I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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