Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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