I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
