what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
