You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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