We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize