it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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