no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
