i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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