My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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