Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
