i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
